What my heart wants to say...

Salam...

Hi.

This is a post that might not make sense at all.

My heart is scarred, it is wounded and I am amazed that I can still live up until today. Sometimes, I am afraid to be close with someone, to have expectations, to care...but I always ends up doing all of that even though I know that I will be hurt in the end...Life is a bitch sometimes but when you have people that love you, that care for you, all the hatred and suffering in the world won't matter. But when you lose that connection with the one that you love and you are here, almost 8906.8km away from home and you have nobody to turn to, suddenly, everything matters...especially when things got bad and you find yourself being alone, having a life only through internet and that is when that one connection became extremely important to you.

I wish I can simply pull them out from pictures and hug them tightly so that this feeling will just go away...I wish that pictures can move and Harry Potter is real but life does not work that way....and it sucks. Damn it...god.my heart hurts a lot now.

Loneliness does not suit me to the tee...I can't be alone or feel like I am alone. Yes, I know, Allah is always with us but having to see one people that care about you will be great. Cause I need that love and affection now.

I know that I never seemed lonely cause I will always be around friends but that's it...they are friends...they are not best friends. they don't care about you as much as your best friends. cause they are just friend. and friend is nor the same as best friend.

If I can apparate, then I will be home in a heartbeat. I miss you

Loneliness

Salam....

Hi.

Loneliness. Gosh. I hate that word a lot. For me, loneliness is like a snake (or a Boa to be precise). It creeps out and attacked you when you are most vulnerable and exposed. Then it constricts and bind you up so tight, you will feel like you are being suffocated. After that, you either wish for a miracle in which you can escape from it or you give up and succumb to that horrible emotion. If you surrender, then you will be so depressed and you will want some company. Someone that wills say, 'It's okay. I am here with you.' instead of someone that just stare at you blankly, pretend to listen and then walks away without knowing or even caring that you are actually dying from the inside. 

I hate being lonely. I love being around people but not too many people cause I hate being crowded. I love being with some personal and close friends that I know care for me and is there when I needed them. Here I haven't found anybody that cares and want to be there like my Malaysian friend. It is not to say that people here didn't care but the feeling is different in Malaysia. I feel like an outcast here. Sometimes I even feel like I don't belong. Like I am just another face in the crowd, unnoticed and not cared for. I wish that I can find somebody that just like Hema or A'an. Well, I am hoping too much eh? Friends like them did not come often. 

Will I ever get to find someone like that in Wellington. Gosh. I just wish that you are here now. Cause the boa in me is constricting too tightly; I cannot breathe. I hate Wellington. 

Last post for Wellington

Salam...

Hi...

OMG...I'm leaving today...so scary and nerve-wrecking cause I am going alone (2 la...sapa soh balik awal2 kan...padan muka...huhu)

So the checklist for today is:

1. LING101 test - checked
2. super heavy luggage - checked (I hope it won't exceed 25kg...paisa nahi he [entah betul ke x ak eja tu...hantam sajalah])
3. Two bags (lappy and extra beg for equipments) - checked...it is going 2 be heavy...
4. Money - x so checked...literally got no money with me so if anything happen with at the airport, I will have to leave it to Allah...please pray so that nothing will happen to me (even though you guys are pissed at me cause I am going home early)
and finally

5. heart - half packed...
Now I am torn in half...I want to go home but at the same time, Welly is almost like my home now...aish~

Hope to see you guys next year iA...

To Welly and its people...I love you all.

Is-going-to-Malaysia...Signing out

Your existence pained me

Okay… I am supposed to stop all the so dramatic-over-the-top-emotion. I seriously hope that I can but I can’t.  Just when you thought that you can get over that person, suddenly you are being reminded that you can’t. 

How can you forget all the memories, all the bitterness and pain that you have? Gosh…that kinda reminded me of my old self. *slapped myself for acting this way*

Grow up Farah…Forget that person. Do you think that that person remembers you at all? Don’t answer that. You know what the answer is yourself.

*forced a smile*

I am such a liar; which is kinda ironic because I hate liar. But I guess if I lie to myself it will be alright right?

Wake up call is here. Stop remembering cause it won’t change a thing.

Where is Lee Junki when you need him? Oh yes, he went to National Service. Duh…

Look at that face...

he is too beautiful eh?

 Anyway, I still have my incurable obsession over Yunho (my Korean hubby) and Jacob Black/Taylor Lautner (my English sweetheart) as well as my old-but-still-new-crush on Dean Winchester/Jensen Ackles (my English hubby). They can help me to forget.

*I am forgetting already* =D

 P/S: Too many crushes? Well, a girl can always dream right?

Emosi terlebih

Salam...
Baru pas cakap dgn mak d Skype...selepas 4 bulan d sini, ni la kali pertama TERnangis dan MEnangis masa tepon rumah...
2 la..mungkin sbb Skype leh nampak muka kan? kalau tepon, ckp dgn orang yang paling kta x suka pun kadang2 x da effect...
dah sekali air mata 2 keluar, x tertahan2 la jadinya...
maka hari ni emosi ak terlebih...
pergh...bila la nak stop nangis ni...
T_____T
blur smpai x ternampak apa yang nak dtulis dalam blog ni...
kenapa boleh menangis ari ni?
well, mungkin sbb rasa bersalah pada mak...
rasa bersalah kat keluarga...
sbb datang sini masih main2...
dah la sponsor, pas 2 still main2...
aish~
mmg rasa bersalah...
2 r...riak gak dulu...cam slalu dapat score tinggi kan?
skrg bayang A pun x nampak g...
hari dah resah gelisah...sem dah nak abes...
sangat susah hati...
mak dan abah pulak kalau call msti ckp 'Buat elok2...score best2 cam dulu...kalau dulu boleh dapat score tinggi kenapa x boleh d sini..'
Bila mak dan abah kata cam 2, hati ni macam kena tikam...cam kena hiris...
toing!
kena sebijik kat muka...
bila sampai d sini, rasa cam semuanya asing
rasa cam bodoh...dah r masa diterima masuk program ni pun rasa cam x berhak terima
sbb ak tau ak ni x sepandai org lain...wpun ak suka English tp ak x pernah dapat semuanya dengan mudah.
mungkin ada org akan kata, mana ada org dpt smuanya dengan mudah. Life is tough.
tapi pada aku, luck 2 mmg bukan middle name ak...sangat la susah nak bertuah...
apa2 pun, mungkin ak kena re-evaluate myself....
kena jadi lebih tabah...lebih independent...
ish...kurangkan internet...

Ya Allah...bantulah hambaMu ini...

Counting to Mothers' Day

Hi...

Mak, mama, mummy, mother, ibu, bonda, ma...
Semua perkataan di atas adalah sama, x kira macam mana sebutan dan ejaan. Hari ni tersentuh hati bila baca blog Tini berkenaan cerita ibu yang berlaku di China. Ada satu translation article dari China yang boleh dibaca di sini berkenaan berita itu.

Cerita tu wat ak terkenang kat mak. Ak ni jahat. Selalu kecikkan hati mak. Selalu wat mak susah hati. X penah senangkan hati mak. Kalau ada di rumah, jarang tolong mak. Selalu mak yang bising2 mintak tolong. Kadang2 2 teringin gak nak wat mak duduk relax satu hari d rumah, tapi selalu, 2 angan2 kosong je. X pernah tertunai. Selalu terbabas niat 2...

Ak selalu dan masih lagi rasa berdosa dengan mak sbb buat mak nangis masa ak dapat result PMR ak pada tahun 2003. Jahatnya ak...wpun dah byk kali mintak maaf kat mak masa raya, tapi ak masih lagi rasa bersalah. Pertama kali mak nangis depan ak. Masa 2 rasa kalau ak mati, msti dah masuk neraka Jahanam dah.

Masih ingat lagi cerita 2 macam baru smalam berlaku. Ak pergi amek result PMR di sekolah. Gembira jugak la sbb dapat 4A...Mmg 4A x byk mana, tapi sekurang2nya ak dapat satu A lebih dari along dan angah. Kwan2 ak? Jangan tnya la...wpun ak ada byk kwn yang pandai, tapi ak ni...aish~ Apa2 pun, bila ak dapat result 2 ak pun balik dan tunjuk kat mak. Ak harapkan mak akan kata

"bagus la 2. At least lebih satu A dari along dan angah"

Tp x...mak kata:

"Kenapa dapat banyak ni je?"

Masa 2 hati ak tersentap. Muka mak x gembira langsung. Dan lantas mulut ak terkeluar perkataan ni:

"Ye la..Ain tau Ain ni bodoh," sambil buat muka kat mak.

Masa 2 spontan tangan mak naik...Tapi mak berhenti sebelum dia tampar ak. Ak terkejut sangat. Muka mak mmg keruh...dan pada masa 2 air mata mak mengalir laju...pas 2 mak keluar dari rumah dan duduk di buaian depan rumah. Ak sangat2 terkejut smpai x tau nak buat apa. Mak x penah menangis pasal apa yang ak cakap. Jadi ak x tau nak buat apa.

Selalunya dulu, bila kami buat kesalahan kat mak, kami akan tulis surat dan minta maaf kat mak. Ak buat benda yang sama, letak kat bilik mak, tampal d almari mak,letak dalam beg mak...smuanya ak buat dan letak di mana2 saja mak ada. Tapi x berhasil. Mak x mau ckp dgn ak. Mak mmg tgh x nak peduli kat ak. Masa 2 mmg x tau dah nak buat apa. Berdosa 2 jangan ckp la...Rasa hina sangat2 buat macam 2 kat mak.

Masa 2 dah nak bukak sekolah. Mak x berckp dgn ak hampir sebulan. Bayangkan perasaan ak masa 2...X tentu arah ak dibuatnya. Mak smpai gunakan adik ak sebagai org tgh untk tnya ak apa ak nak beli utk sekolah sbb x berckp dgn ak. Ak tau, kalau ak cerita ni kat mak, dia bukan nak ingat. Dia mesti akan ckp

"ya ka? x ingat pun"

tapi ak ingat. Ak cuba nak ubah perangai ak, x nak bagi mak rasa tertekan atau penat sgt...tp 2 la...ak anak yg jahat...x pernah buat mak gembira...Ak x mau mak menagis dan ak x mo org lain buat mak menangis. Sbb 2 ak akn x suka org yang buat mak menangis sbb ak tahu mak x mudah mengalirkan air mata. Jadi ungkin bila ak bercinta, bila ditanya apakah kedudukan dia dalam hati ak? Ak akan jwb, lebih dari no 5.

Kedudukan dia begini:

1. Dia
2. Mak/abah
3. Tok Ayah
4. keluarga aku
5. Taqim
6. Hema/A'an
7. kwn2 lain
8. mungkin dia

Mak, Ain nak minta maaf sgt2 kalau Ain ada lukakan hati mak. Ain sayangkan mak...

Mak ni sangat la penting dalam hidup kta manusia. Even Edgar Allan Poe yang byk tulis gothic novel pun kata gni sal mak

Because I feel that in the heavens above
The angels, whispering one to another,
Can find among their burning terms of love,
None so devotional as that of "Mother"

Another quote for mothers' day:

To the world you might just be one person,
but to one person you might just be the world.

I love u mum

Need to get this out from my chest....

Hi...
today, although the weather is great, but my heart, mind and soul is not.
If the sky today is as blue as the baby's sky...my heart is not...
I think I am in depression mode...
I might be smiling and laughing and jabbering and talking like always but deep inside, there is a turbulence going on.
That feeling is not good.
It is like a black hole, sucking everything inside.
I want to go back
I want to go to USM, study my literature, be with A'an and all USMers rather than being stuck here and feeling alone in a huge crowd.
I want to be able to go back home anytime without needing to worry about anything.
I want to be spazzing with latest news and gossip around freely
I do not want to meet and be familiar with strangers that did not understand and need time to really know me as who I am
I do not want the unfamiliarity and the uneasiness that accompanies the new surrounding
I want to be ME without needing to explain to people that I do not mean anything bad with the way I am talking
Yes, I am harsh with words
but do know that I did that unconciously
Yes, I do tend to forget the fact that we didn't know each other that well
and I know that it takes time for you to fully understand me and me to understand you
but hell
That new feeling of wanting to know people
that feeling of really wanting to meet new people...
I do not want to go through that again
to establish good image, to be likable and always have to be on your toes is tiring
it is boring
I want people that know me for who I am
I need my besties in Malaysia
take me home, bound me there as this is a suffering that I do not want to endure...

I miss you Malaysia
I miss you USMers
I miss you, my family...

Gosh~
The tears is starting to form...
I guess I better stop now...
or else there will be rain on this fine, clear weather...